Imagine you are the parent of a 12-year-old child. Imagine your 12-year-old is on the schoolyard when this bully begins to pick on him. Quickly, teasing & taunting escalates into kicking and punching. The next thing your child knows, he’s on the ground. His nose bloodied. He’s hurt, he’s embarrassed, humiliated, and he is angry. In a flash, he jumps to his feet and races home, straight to where you keep a 22, loaded, for the family’s protection. He picks it up, opens the chamber and just for a second he feels the cold, hard steel press against the flesh of his hand. Load confirmed, he conceals the gun and races back toward the schoolyard. Just before he reaches the schoolyard he comes to a hill that overlooks the schoolyard; he spies the bully talking & laughing with a group of kids. He is certain they are still making fun of his defeat. In a single motion he drops to the ground, raises the gun and points it in the direction of his target, he pulls the hammer back, puts his finger on the trigger, then looks down the sight. What do you suppose he sees?

I can tell you what Bo Jackson saw when he found himself in a similar situation in 7^th grade. Bo saw every story he ever heard of prison inmate violence. He saw his momma crying herself to sleep at night because her little boy was sleeping in a prison bed because he shot a bully. He saw himself unable to sleep at night for fear a fellow inmate would rape him. That was enough for Bo Jackson to release the hammer without pulling the trigger.

Wouldn’t you feel GREAT if you knew your child had the knowledge, skills & inner resources to make wise choices like Bo Jackson clearly demonstrated in that heated moment? In his autobiography, Bo Knows, Bo called that experience a “life defining moment” and he didn’t allow his wise choices to stop there. Bo chose to finish school, and he chose the discipline to develop himself athletically. Bo’s choices earned him the honor of being chosen to play professional football and professional baseball. Now that was a really strategic decision! Imagine Bo and that bully meeting up again a few years later? What safer revenge could you dream up? Many successful people used the energy of safe revenge or I’ll show you to propel them to success. Lee Iacocca, credited with reversing Chrysler’s failure, was fired by Ford. Every time he mentioned giving up his wife said, “And you want to prove Ford right?” What would confidence that the child in your life could turn difficult, sometimes unfair, situations into an advantage be worth to you?

Perhaps you don’t believe your child will ever find his or herself in as dangerous a life-defining moment as Bo’s; I used to think that way. I will never, ever forget how shocked and frightened I felt when I learned my son’s 12-year-old classmate was dead as a result of suicide. The boy played baseball on my son’s team! He couldn’t handle the kids picking on him anymore. He was obviously bullied! I felt so guilty; I did nothing to stop it because it wasn’t my kid picking on him and after all, their only weapons were words, it wasn’t physical. I imagined how confused, hurt, alone and hopeless he had to have felt to choose death by hanging over life as he knew it. It was too late to help him, but what I could do is use the energy from my pain, my guilt to prevent it from happening to another child. I was haunted by one of my dad’s favorite lines, if you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. I wanted to be a part of the solution!

From my experience and training materials as an interpersonal communication skills trainer, I put together a process and a seminar to teach kids how to handle criticism, both constructive and destructive such as kids picking on kids, It is available, free of charge, through this website, to any child willing to study and apply its lesson. For more information click on How to Handle Hurtful Words.

A few months later we were hit close to home again. I will never forget my daughter’s anguish when she learned one of her closest friends and companion in high school was dead as a result of a heroin overdose; then, just under a year later, she learned that another one of their close-knit five-some was dead from alcohol poisoning. It was easy for me to imagine the grief and the what-if-ing and if-only-ing I would be going through if I had been in their parent’s shoes. It wasn’t as easy to come up with a solution; I had to do some research!

I began with questions, what is it that causes some kids to take dope and other kids not to take dope? What causes some kids to party hearty and other kids to study, study? What causes some kids to succeed others to fail, flounder or just get by? I asked ordinary but successful people to remember a time when they were tempted or pressured to choose something labeled destructive, unacceptable or negative and what made you choose not to do it?  I asked them, “What caused you to say no when your peers invited you to smoke a joint, drink a beer or cut class?”  What caused you to study and pursue a career while others were living it up?  I asked them and they were glad to answer, glad to be a part of the solution! What I discovered were 3 common success factors.

Results:

1.                  A caring, sometimes interfering, adult

2.                  An effective judgment strategy

3.                  A vision for their future

The first common thread was a caring, sometimes interfering, adult. In most cases it was a parent; however, in one instance of a young man, David, I met at Dallas Baptist University, it was a pastor. When David was very young, he attended church with his mother, a single mom. In Junior High he replaced church activities with gang activities. The church’s pastor noticed. He knew David didn’t have a father-figure to redirect him so he assumed the role. He saw a need and filled it. David did not make it easy or pleasant; yet, this pastor persevered. He showed David love and gave him guidance despite David’s belligerent rejection. That pastor had to have been a saint! Day after day he would show up on David’s doorstep or his favorite hang-outs and said, “You are better than this.” Clearly, the pastor’s objective was to remind David that he had something greater in him than his choices currently demonstrated. David remained lost! After years of effort, the pastor quit showing up. Relief turned into confusion turned into curiosity; finally, David sought out the Pastor. I met David in a class on Entrepreneurship and Small Business Management at Dallas Baptist University. His major was the Ministry, his objective to open an activity center where teens can hang out and engage in constructive dialog and activities.

The second common thread was an effective judgment strategy; a simple process for making a choice. The most profound story I heard was that of an engineer I worked with and admired greatly, Paul. As he grew up, it was Paul’s job to help his father in the garden. His dad used that time to educate him in matters not taught in school, subjects critical to transforming a boy into a man. He picked his Paul’s brain to learn what his son was learning through the day and then helped him re-perceive these experiences through a mature perspective.

Paul told me the most impactful conversation he had with his dad was on the occasion of his thirteenth birthday. While everyone was in the house celebrating and visiting, his dad took him out into the garden, put his arm around Paul’s shoulders and said, “Son, today you are thirteen. In some parts of the world you would be considered a man and carry adult responsibilities; that is not the case in the U.S. What is true is that you will face critical choices without me there to help you, and you will have to make decisions alone. Son, I want you to remember this one thing; the quality of your life is the product of the choices you make. If you make bad choices, you’ll live a bad life; if you make good choices, you’ll live a good life. Make good choices.” Paul told me that every time someone offered him a drink or dope or to do something wrong, “my dad was always there!”  He remembered his dad words and he made a good choice.

The third common thread was a vision for their future. Every “successful” person knew at a young age what they wanted to be when they grew up and what it took to be that. As part of my research, another engineer, Dan, shared an inspiring story with me. Each day on the way home from school he passed by the garage his parents took their automobiles to for service. Over time he got to know Hank the mechanic. Hank began letting him help around the shop bringing him tools, sweeping up & little things like that. Dan didn’t know those things weren’t fun. He just knew he felt useful and mature to be able to help Hank. One day, when he was nine years old, he left the garage particularly motivated and raced into the kitchen to announce to his Mom that he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up an auto mechanic like Hank. His mom said, “Oh, you mean a mechanical engineer!” From that moment forward Dan knew he wanted to be a mechanical engineer.

Fortunately, this vision helped pull Dan through obstacles, unfair situations as well as to reject his peer’s pressure to party instead of study. Because he was academically challenged, Dan chose to seek a football scholarship to fund his engineering education. All went well and he was on track until his junior year of high school when his parents filed bankruptcy, divorced and moved from Pennsylvania to opposite coasts of the country. His dad to California; his mom to Florida. Senior year of high school in a football motivated state like Florida; Dan didn’t stand a chance of getting a scholarship. His parents didn’t have the resources to help him financially. Rather than wallow in a pity party, Dan got resourceful. He lived at home and worked summers to save money and paid for his education at a University in Florida.

Another example of how Dan’s vision and dream guided his choices was during college. Because Dan believed he was academically challenged, he had focused on developing himself athletically and neglected the academics. When he began attending college classes he was hurting. Not only was he learning college level material; he had to learn what he didn’t learn in high school to be able to do the college level material. He joined a study group that included four kids that had been top in their class. As the years went by and Dan learned what he missed, learned how to study and worked for spending money, he didn’t have time to party. Not true for the other four geniuses. They began getting more and more involved socially, less and less involved academically, Dan even made side money doing their homework assignments for them. Of the four geniuses in his study group, three flunked out, one graduated by the skin of his teeth. And Dan? Dan graduated with the highest academic honor from the engineering department, continued for two masters’ degrees and has been a professional success as an engineer and manager.

The moral of the stories are, successful people avoid destructive choices by asking themselves simple questions in relation to their goals. For example, if I do ___ what will I gain? And, if I do ___ might it cost me my dream of becoming an engineer, having the home & family I want or____… then they act according to the outcomes they want for their experience.

Based on what I learned, I designed the following solution:

1. Be your child’s parent or grandparent or like the pastor in the story I shared, if you see a need fill it – assume responsibility for transforming a child into a contributing adult

2. Train your child to make constructive, effective choices
3. Teach your child to dream and encourage your child to act toward fulfillment of his/her dream

As my husband & I were traveling along the east coast, we read a billboard once that I think is so appropriate for this point. There was a picture of a pregnant woman, grasping her bulging belly and in big bold letters it said: “LABOR DOESN’T END WITH DELIVERY!” That’s all it said, no directions, no instructions, no offer of assistance!

Most, if not all parents, want to be the best parent ever. Remember back when you first held your tiny bundle of joy; when you first stared lovingly into your infant’s eyes, what did you feel?  What I remember is an overpowering flood of emotion that came over me and a strong desire to give my baby the best parenting I could. I felt an overwhelming surge of love and devotion for this helpless, completely dependent being that I delivered! But, where’s the manual? I read lots of books – obviously my kids read them too – I tried something new, they effectively deflected it. They always seemed to be one step ahead of me!

What I finally figured out when I heard Paul’s story is that his dad gave him a manual, a mental manual. One he could never be without. One he could use to guide his every choice as long as he knew two things, what kind of life he wanted to live and what kind of person he wanted to be. Because his dad had been involved in shaping those two things during the years of gardening together, it was easy for Paul to make all his choices within the framework of his dad’s wisdom. The quality of life is the product of the choices you make. If you make bad choices, you’ll live a bad life; make good choices, you’ll live a good life. Make good choices. It really is simple and universally adaptable! That’s the kind of manual we need for raising kids into self-reliant, capable, contributing adults!

A Manual for Raising Children Into Self-Reliant, Capable, Contributing Adults:

How

1.      Have a strategy for parenting.

• Stephen Covey’s principle, Begin with the end in mind.

We are raising children to live as adults.; what must they know and have to be happy, whole & complete adults? We must picture this completely! What must we do, as parents, to make sure they learn, practice & integrate constructive, healthy, contributing habits? We must list these things and plan when, where & how they will integrate the behaviors.

• Consciously, intentionally apply a parenting strategy, I adapted Ken Blanchard’s Situational Leadership Model for application as a parent.

Transformation occurs in an order and in stages. The same is true with raising children into adults. It helps me to see and understand the stages so I, as a parent, can facilitate my child’s effective movement through each stage.

2.      Enlist assistance & support.

·    “It takes a village to raise a child.” For us, that is our community. Who or what makes up a community? Schools, churches, extended family, friends, neighbors…

·    Most of us recognize a need to send our kids to school to learn reading, writing & ‘rithmetic; most of us don’t recognize the need for assistance in teaching our kids resilience, independence, intra- & interpersonal relationship skills.

·    My workshops and audio programs teach kids essential life skills that enable them to embrace and succeed in a world filled with challenge & opportunity.

3.      Stay involved & aware.

• Set clear, performance standards. Negotiate their boundaries & consequences.

Standards can be universal and are essential for effective relationships & contribution. Boundaries & consequences teach them the principle of reaping & sowing. Therefore, the consequence should be the natural, logical consequence of a behavior unless the consequence is dangerous to them or someone else.

• Watch for, recognize and seize teachable/coachable moments!

The most effective opportunity for learning is in the moment. It is typically indefensible; most people lose the lesson arguing its defense. It is immediate which minimizes confusion & misunderstanding. It is easier to keep focused on the issue at hand.

• Honor results.

Reward success in a multitude of ways. Allow consequences and redirect back onto agreements.

• Offer parent companioning.

I hear kids don’t listen to adults. There are books written and studies conducted that show peers have more influence over each other than parents or other adults have over kids. I really struggle with that! I, like the rest of the nation was captivated by the shootings at Columbine High School. I was especially intrigued by the young girl in the library; the one that stood up for her beliefs and was subsequently shot dead. What intrigued me was a story I read of her background and the lengths her parents had gone to get her back on a constructive path. They took control away from peers, It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t fun. It was effective. I suggest parents be parents and involve their child in activities that will be a part of their lives as an adult. Include your child in tasks like gardening, cooking… and like Paul’s dad, dialogue with them while you work or play together! I suggest parents use ordinary opportunities to educate their child in life, love and living skills.

Review

When I think about the tragic endings for those three kids from my children’s life stories, I really hate that they found themselves facing such difficult situations and choices. What I hate worse is that they found themselves facing those difficult situations and choices without the ability to process and choose more constructively. I ask each of you to ask yourself this question, “Are the children in my life equipped with the knowledge, skills and internal resources – the emotional intelligence – to handle whatever situations they encounter?” If the answer is yes, pat yourself on the back and look around for someone else that you might assist. If your answer is no, then please consider the solution I presented to you today.

1. Have a strategy for parenting
2. Enlist support & assistance
3. Remain involved, aware & responsive

I’d like to share a story that really drove home for me the importance of a parent’s role to provide children every factor essential for their growth & development into capable, contributing adults. Hunter is my daughter’s five-year-old son, the one who caused my daughter to leave behind her teen years and to become responsible. My husband and I are very involved in Hunter’s life; he stays with us at least two days a week and the remaining five he is in and out. We turned our backyard into a series of flower gardens. Hunter, often included in planting, pruning, cleaning up the beds, decided he would like to plant his own plants. That sounded like a good idea so we drove down to Wal-Mart where he picked out corn and pumpkin seeds. All the way home we talked about what we had to do next, what was going to happen and how that fresh corn on the cob was going to be better than Colonel Sanders’ and our jack-o-lanterns this Halloween were going to be bigger and better than ever. At home we planted the seeds in a couple of my planters, watered them, and set them outside in the sun. When his momma and daddy come to pick him up, eagerly he took them out to see his handiwork. A couple of days later when the sprouts are poking through the soil, he was as excited as if he had given birth to his first child. We went through the routine of showing them to each family member and watering them was a fun thing to do. However, when it came time to transplant them into the ground, Hunter was a busy man. Other things had to be done first. Finally, they had grown so tall, my husband and I transplanted them for him. We took him out to show him what we had done. He was semi-excited and watering with the hose was fun. Watering with the hose was also more work now. The plants weren’t right up next to the house, to water them you had to drag it a 100’ to water the corn, back then over another 75’ to water the pumpkin plants. Hunter had even less inclination to do that. Mother Nature wasn’t very cooperative that summer either; we didn’t get much in the way of rain. Can you imagine what Hunter’s corn and pumpkin looked like? Can you imagine what kind of harvest he got from his plants?

How many children, like Hunter’s corn and pumpkins, come into this world with great anticipation and joy only to end up in less than happy circumstances like Hunter’s first gardening efforts? What occurred to me is that plants must be planted in fertile soil, they require nurturing, feeding and weeding to mature into healthy producing adult plants – so do children. Successful farmers and gardeners have learned not to rely on Mother Nature to meet their plants needs, they have plans, schedules and contingencies in place – successful parents should as well. Children need a healthy, enabling environment. They need love, intellectual and emotional education, practice and opportunity in addition to food and shelter. Children need the weeds pulled out of their world whether it is a bad television show, video game or bad relationship; parents must be responsible for the influences in their child’s environment. When parents have a plan, a schedule and contingencies in place and they embrace the task, our children will mature into healthy, capable, contributing adults.

Conclusion

In my opening I led you through an intense drama. I would like to leave you with hope and encouragement. If you will, please fast forward, imagine your child, your grandchild or a child you are close to at or around eighteen-years-old. You are sitting at his or her high school graduation. What do you see? What do you hear? What are you feeling? What is most important to you about this moment? Is it a feeling of pride and confidence that he has all the knowledge, skills and inner resources necessary to face whatever life dishes out? Is it a feeling of comfort from the knowledge that he will be able to meet the demands & temptations of college life and come out a winner? Fast forward another ten years to your child’s twenty-eighth birthday. What do you see? What do you hear? What are you feeling? Is it satisfaction that comes from a certainty that the peaks & valleys of his career, relationships and even parenthood are faced courageously, confidently and effectively. Because your child is equipped to excel in an adult world, an adult’s life.